A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.
On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom and come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Guy getting three wishes from genie
Posted by
ronitvm
Labels:
joke
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A guy walks into a bar with two lovely blondes leaning on his shoulders with dewy looks in their eyes, and a dwarf who's only two feet tall. He orders drinks for himself and his companions, paying from a fat roll of twenty-dollar bills. The dwarf jumps up on the bar, and runs up and down the whole length of the bar kicking over everybody's drinks.
The bartender and the other patrons are rather perturbed by this, but the guy says, "Never mind, I'll buy a fresh round of drinks for everybody," pulling out more twenties.
As soon as the bartender has finished setting everybody up again, the dwarf jumps back up on the bar and kicks over everybody's drinks again. The bartender says, "That's it: you and your friends, out!"
The guy says, "Never mind, just set everybody up again, and I'll control the dwarf this time, and I'll pay for it, and here's an extra twenty for your trouble."
The bartender says, "OK, but I don't understand why you put up with him."
The guy says, "It happened like this. I found an old oil lamp, and being superstitious I rubbed it, and sure enough, out came a genie and granted me three wishes. I asked for a roll of twenties that would never end: POOF, there it was. I asked for two lovely blonde women, one for each arm, who are totally devoted to me: POOF, there they were. So finally I asked for a two-foot prick: POOF, there he was."
The bartender and the other patrons are rather perturbed by this, but the guy says, "Never mind, I'll buy a fresh round of drinks for everybody," pulling out more twenties.
As soon as the bartender has finished setting everybody up again, the dwarf jumps back up on the bar and kicks over everybody's drinks again. The bartender says, "That's it: you and your friends, out!"
The guy says, "Never mind, just set everybody up again, and I'll control the dwarf this time, and I'll pay for it, and here's an extra twenty for your trouble."
The bartender says, "OK, but I don't understand why you put up with him."
The guy says, "It happened like this. I found an old oil lamp, and being superstitious I rubbed it, and sure enough, out came a genie and granted me three wishes. I asked for a roll of twenties that would never end: POOF, there it was. I asked for two lovely blonde women, one for each arm, who are totally devoted to me: POOF, there they were. So finally I asked for a two-foot prick: POOF, there he was."
Man buying drink for lesbians
Posted by
ronitvm
Labels:
joke
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This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink."
The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good."
The man, with a confused look on his face says, "It doesn't matter, I want to buy those women a drink."
The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink."
The women both reply, "It won't do you any good."
The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?"
The first lady says, "We're lesbians."
The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?"
The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick pussys."
The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."
The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good."
The man, with a confused look on his face says, "It doesn't matter, I want to buy those women a drink."
The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink."
The women both reply, "It won't do you any good."
The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?"
The first lady says, "We're lesbians."
The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?"
The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick pussys."
The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."
Mind your accent funny chat
Posted by
ronitvm
Labels:
joke
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Root of problem: The chinese name - Annie Wan (Anyone)
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan? (anyone)
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan (someone) And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about ?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan (no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee. (sorry)
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan? (anyone)
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan (someone) And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about ?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan (no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee. (sorry)
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Washington state attorney season
Posted by
ronitvm
on Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Labels:
joke
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WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
1300.01 GENERAL
- Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
- Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
- Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
- It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
- It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
- It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
- It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
- It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
- If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
- Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
- It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
- Yellow Bellied Sidewinder: 2
- Two-faced Tort Feasor: 1
- Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator: 4
- Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only): 3
- Big-mouthed Pub Gut: 2
- Honest Attorney: EXTINCT
- Cut-throat: 2
- Back-stabbing Whiner: 2
- Brown-nosed Judge Kisser: 2
- Silver-tongued Drug Defender: $100 BOUNTY
- Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian: 7
Lawyer Riddles
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A. A Lobotomy.
Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A. Who cares?
Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
A. A waste of cement.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A1: Shoot him before he hits the water.
A2: Take your foot off his head.
A3: Excuse me, I don´t understand the point of the question.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A1: Back over him to make sure.
A2: Make another notch on the steering wheel.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q: What`s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A: A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman.
Q: Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
A: Deep down their good.
Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish.
Q: Why are lawyers great in bed?
A: They get so much practice screwing people.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the
morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q: What do you get when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing, there are some things that even a pig won't do.
Q: Why didn't the doctor (any other misc. profession) pay the rent on his outhouse?
A: He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.